dodge_the_moon (dodge_the_moon) wrote,

i'm a roman candle, my head is full of flame...

Yeah, so it's been a while.
Back at the same stupid school as last year, spending $25,000 and not even getting anything. So frustrating, and if I decide to transfer my credits won't go with me...

Still single, in an odd way. I have everything I need from a guy except commitment, but because only one of them is good enough, and he's not interested in a relationship right now, I have to have three guys. The one I'm in love with is an hour away, my moral support, he's the one I go to when I need encouragement, advice, or idealism, he is the ideal. Sometimes when I'm talking to him it's like talking to God, only he's answering me, telling me everything will work out, but he's always a little out of reach. He knows I like him, I know he likes me, but he tells me to be patient, and it's been a year and a half.  His brother, is my friend. He's the one I laugh with, he's the one I don't have to keep anything from. I spent the majority of my weekend at the hospital with him, his girlfriend, and their new baby. And when we went outside for a cigarette break, we talked about what could have been, and how much time we don't spend together anymore. The third  guy is here at school. He's using me, I'm using him. For him, it's all about sex. For me it's just the need to be close to someone. But he's not meeting my needs. I just need the warmth of someone beside me when I sleep, strong arms to rest in. We don't ever talk, we don't even make eye contact in public, and no one knows anything. I hate it. I hate him sometimes, but these three people are the only ones I have. I always promise myself I won't let him in, but I just get so lonely, then there's a knock at the door, and I convince myself that there's still hope for something more.

I have my music I suppose, but it's being slowly ripped away. I'm just not interested in it anymore, and when guy #1 and I talked about the loss of happiness in our lives, he said the only time he's happy now is when he's playing his music, he reminded me that that used to make me happy too, he asked where it's gone. He told me I have to learn how to separate the requirements and the deadlines from the essence of whatever it used to be, and now I think of that whenever things get bad. He's so good with advice, I suppose I should start trying to take some of it.


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