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Date:2004-10-26 00:09
Subject:used, again.
Security:Public
Mood: numb

And here's another reason he's a jerk. He cheats on his girlfriend.
And here's another reason I'm a slut. I slept with a guy when I knew he had a girlfriend. But he held me when it was over, for five hours, it doesn't matter that he was asleep, I was secure in his arms, even if I was insecure in my own bed. It's been over a week, and I feel horrible and empty and lonely and guilty. All I want is for someone to hold me...is that too big of a request?

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Date:2004-09-09 19:45
Subject:just in case anyone notices...
Security:Public

I got a new journal,  I might still use this one occasionally, but I don't like the way things are going with it, and while I don't like deleting entries, there's alot in here I don't want to remember. So I'll start over, and with a better name too... starsickantired . So, if by chance you're reading this and don't hate me, add my new journal. I need friends :)

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Date:2004-09-08 23:14
Subject:To those who aren't concerened...
Security:Public
Mood: sad

Abdullah,

I miss you. I can't stand this waiting, this uncertainty. I rode past your house yesterday. What was she doing there? I thought that was over. I know you have a child with her, and I'm trying hard not to jump to conclusions, but it still worries me. It's the money. How someone could have had you, had your child, your love, and let it go I don't understand. And maybe she's realizing the same thing. If this is the way it's supposed to be then this is how it's going to happen, but please make sure she's there for more than your money. Where was she three months ago when you were so sad? I wish I could let  you know that I feel the same way about you today as I did three months ago when you were depressed and were on food stamps. The only difference is you have a vehicle now, I don't care if it's a 2004 explorer or  something like my dad's old minivan. It's just a means of transportation. And you have a phone now too, you should call me so I can have your number. You should use that new Explorer to come visit me at school.
But that's my plan, not yours, and not hers.
Either way,
I LOVE YOU.
be happy.
I'll be sad enough for both of us.

 

 

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Date:2004-09-08 17:31
Subject:i'm a roman candle, my head is full of flame...
Security:Public

Yeah, so it's been a while.
Back at the same stupid school as last year, spending $25,000 and not even getting anything. So frustrating, and if I decide to transfer my credits won't go with me...

Still single, in an odd way. I have everything I need from a guy except commitment, but because only one of them is good enough, and he's not interested in a relationship right now, I have to have three guys. The one I'm in love with is an hour away, my moral support, he's the one I go to when I need encouragement, advice, or idealism, he is the ideal. Sometimes when I'm talking to him it's like talking to God, only he's answering me, telling me everything will work out, but he's always a little out of reach. He knows I like him, I know he likes me, but he tells me to be patient, and it's been a year and a half.  His brother, is my friend. He's the one I laugh with, he's the one I don't have to keep anything from. I spent the majority of my weekend at the hospital with him, his girlfriend, and their new baby. And when we went outside for a cigarette break, we talked about what could have been, and how much time we don't spend together anymore. The third  guy is here at school. He's using me, I'm using him. For him, it's all about sex. For me it's just the need to be close to someone. But he's not meeting my needs. I just need the warmth of someone beside me when I sleep, strong arms to rest in. We don't ever talk, we don't even make eye contact in public, and no one knows anything. I hate it. I hate him sometimes, but these three people are the only ones I have. I always promise myself I won't let him in, but I just get so lonely, then there's a knock at the door, and I convince myself that there's still hope for something more.

I have my music I suppose, but it's being slowly ripped away. I'm just not interested in it anymore, and when guy #1 and I talked about the loss of happiness in our lives, he said the only time he's happy now is when he's playing his music, he reminded me that that used to make me happy too, he asked where it's gone. He told me I have to learn how to separate the requirements and the deadlines from the essence of whatever it used to be, and now I think of that whenever things get bad. He's so good with advice, I suppose I should start trying to take some of it.

 

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Date:2004-05-04 16:55
Subject:
Security:Public

almost did some type of anonomous hook up the other night...yes, i was actually dumb enough to think he wanted help on his english papers.
I stopped it though, and of course he didn't meet me the next day for breakfast like he said he would, and we're both too embarassed to attempt to contact the other.
so kyshawn was a mistake... stupid football players and my illusions that some are different...
I really like Kyle. He's been so nice to me lately, but i'll never see him again after next week...yeah he only lives 45 minutes away from home, but he's going to school in florida next year...the school i've been trying to find a way into for the past 3 years, and he's giving me helpful information but it's still 12 hours from home and $45,000
Sid, Robert, and Josh are probably going too
Full Sail looked perfect when I was 15, and it looks even better now that kyle and josh are going...It's not that I don't want to be a music major anymore, I just don't know what I'm going to do with it, and this definitely isn't the place for music business
One more week of school...
Then three months of nothing
I'm so depressed

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Date:2004-04-19 22:31
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: complacent

I feel like everything's resolved. The whole Joe thing is completely over, and there is no reason to ever have to talk to him again.
I do feel bad for him though. I have so many things in my future to work for, and he has already screwed up enough that he doesn't really have one.
He's let the drugs back into his life, and he has no control over it anymore. Everything he does revolves around the moment he's in. He works for a few hours when he's straight enough to go in, then spends all his tip money on whatever his drug of choice is that week.
The whole lying thing really bothered me. I really don't know if he ever said anything true the entire 2 months, and I don't know what I thought I saw in him.
Last weekend when I worked, Tim (the new guy at work) was talking about how bad he's gotten since he's known him. I think they met right after we broke up. He didn't realize that I was "that Holly" He just thought I knew him only because he stays at waffle house all the time. He said "Joe smokes a lot of pot, and I know that because I sell Joe a lot of pot, and I know other people he buys from too." He thinks he might be on crack and heroin again.

I'm so glad I got out...

I've been having dreams about Andrew a lot lately. I usually don't dream about people. Weird...
He's really nice, but I think he has a girlfriend. I've been sitting with him in the caf sometimes lately, and we went to walter's the other day, but jennifer and joel were there too, so it was nothing like we were together or anything. He goes out of his way to talk to me and stuff, but not in a way to trigger those dreams. Crap...even my subconcious is getting desperate

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Date:2004-04-15 21:46
Subject:HA!!!
Security:Public

Barbie Got Back
Barbie Got Back! Go you! You're the closest thing
ever to a true black Barbie. Shake that fat
ass of yours.


If You Were A Barbie, Which Messed Up Version Would You Be?
brought to you by Quizilla

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Date:2004-04-14 19:42
Subject:
Security:Public

So I was reading back through all of my journal entries, and realized that this has really just become my writing journal, and nothing else. I'm not actually this obsessed or upset all the time. I let it all out in this journal because all of my friends read my other lj account, and this one is a safe place to post things I'm really thinking about, rather than what I did during the day or for talking about school, professors, and inside jokes.
I don't typically use this journal to communicate with anyone as I do with the other one. I'm in a lot of communities under this name, and am very interested in getting feedback from complete strangers who read my work there.
So if anyone is reading this, comment and let me know...it'll make me feel a little more loved, and here's some basic information on me in case anyone ever reads...

I'm Holly, I'm an 18 year old freshman music business major living in north carolina right now. I've never let anyone read anything I'd written until this semester, when I got a really awesome English professor who is teaching me all kinds of great stuff.
If you have been reading my journal, you'll know I have serious relationship issues, and that I'm single and totally in love with one of my best friends. He definitely knows, but we're both recently single out of bad relationships, and taking time off. I'm really into reading, writing, and making music.

and, apparently, I enjoy talking to myself. hah

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Date:2004-04-14 17:41
Subject:Stream of thought
Security:Public
Mood: drained


    To the Ex;
With you, my dear I don’t agree.
We waste all of this time doing the pointless, rote motion things that we’re supposed to.
So, when will we get down to what we wanted in the first place?
Did we ever decide what that was?
 I do not wish to be involved with your cruelty or your coldness.
I want the warmth again. 
The warmth of the arms, the body, I want the warmth of his voice and his eyes.
The cold wind, the icy stars, and the warmth of the affection.
Don’t think now, that I am pleading for sexual attention; we both know what happened when you pushed that, and now, because of you, who controlled me for a while I’m definitely not in the market for a cheap fuck.
 Also as a result of your deceptions and whorish ways, he and I were enabled to have that lovely conversation that night.
He wanted to kill you, and only I and his infant daughter were holding him back.
    

To The Current Romantic Interest;
You said it was on your heart, you had to tell me.
But you let me get away.
Did you get scared?
Why the hell did you change the subject?
You just trailed off…started talking about darkness and beauty
And enthralled me with the magnificent rhythms of your movement,
Your voice, and we stopped talking about what was relevant
And drifted away for a while
and then, all of a sudden, two hours had gone by.
And I wasn’t going to be able to lie about that much time.
You hugged me, I wanted so much more, and I went home and you went to sleep.
I stayed up thinking about you and wondering what you were thinking about me.

And I wait for the call, and it never comes.
I pray everyday for her blood of forgiveness and atonement to flow again, But it doesn’t come on time yet another week and I want to tell him,
Not the him responsible, but the one who will be a comfort, 
I’m unable to make my shaking fingers dial the numbers on the phone.
And I want you so bad it hurts.
Only you, my dear, hold the key to easing my pain.
I don’t have to have your kiss, your body;
I just want your voice, your music,
And the warmth and comfort you bring to my sad being.

   

 Third Person View:
He always senses what she’s thinking.
She will never understand it.
It makes him vague, unattainable to her.
 He’s always there in the background,
 Her crush,
 Her friend,
Her surrogate brother,
Bodyguard,
Therapist,
Protector.
In her dreams he becomes almost like a god.
 Omniscient when it comes to her thoughts and feelings,
Omnipresent in her thoughts, always singing in her soul,
Always just a little out of reach.
Like a god.
He doesn’t want to be deified.
He doesn’t want the attention.
He simply wants to live his life,
Make his music,
And have a family eventually.
He wants to support his mother,
And he wants to help everyone he can.
She always complicates things. 

Random things I want to say
I’ve been talking to God a lot lately, but he’s not answering me and the wishing stars have all gone out tonight.
Cross my fingers, hope to die, as all the stars drift in the sky, icy cold and far away, and dread the news of the coming day
I fell for a guy, and his middle name is love.
The phone won’t ring and my hands are trembling too much to pick it up anyway.
I can’t hear anyone but you. I haven’t heard anything in so long.
I miss you today like you missed the wind when it stopped whispering in the trees.
Silence is the worst treatment for a hopeful heart, and you're silently breaking it.

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Date:2004-04-14 14:16
Subject:haha
Security:Public

What stupid celebrity are you destined to kill? by daydreamer8852
Name
Birthdate
You killed
With a
OnJuly 9, 2014
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

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Date:2004-04-08 00:21
Subject:
Security:Public

Silence falls from stars

Sinks into the dewy ground

Silence falls like a breaking heart

Beautifully, without a sound



The stars had hung our tears out to dry

The wind came to sweep us away

Out, out, into the beauty of the sparkling sky

Denying the harshness of the day



Your eyes saw through me

Accepting, forgiving

Penetrated deep into me

Never taking, only giving



I thought I had nothing left to offer

Your spark reignited flame in me

And as the silence fell between us,

The magnificent began

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Date:2004-04-05 23:56
Subject:I've really been writing lately...i think this might be something i could use....comments?
Security:Public
Mood: creative

32 minutes left at work and I don’t know what to do, what to think about. So my thoughts turn to him. My phone vibrated in my back pocket a while ago, and of course, the first thing I thought of was DULA!! But it wasn’t him. It was a number I didn’t recognize. I was unable to answer it because I’m at work (31 minutes more) and anyways; I know it wasn’t him, so I didn’t need to answer it.

 

I’m trying to remember every inch of his face, but it’s not coming out right and even in the pictures, he’s lacking his spark. Sparks…I love the spark in his dark eyes, but they’re a glossy red in one picture, and only slits of them are visible in the other one that made us all laugh. I’m trying to remember that wonderful, safe yet unsure feeling I had that night when we talked. I’m trying to remember how the wind sounded in the trees, how the stars sparkled for us, and how I told him about every mistake I’ve ever made and he just said that everything will be alright (rockabye…does anyone remember that Shawn Mullins song…it was so cliché, so overplayed, yet so comforting and still runs through my mind on sad days when I want to hear those words.) And now there’s 26 minutes and the night is nearly over, and another week has gone by and we haven’t talked.

 

read more...Collapse )

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Date:2004-04-05 22:26
Subject:and his middle name is love...
Security:Public

Still not getting any answers. Been unexplicably sad today too. I don't like this feeling. It's permeating my being. I never feel good anymore and I don't know how to get out.
School's going well but I have no one.
Everyone is so busy and wrapped up in their little soap operas. I could be dying here and they still wouldn't see me.
My stomach really hurts. Constant cramps. I'm praying it's from stress. I can't go to the dr. again...I can't lie anymore.

I've been talking to God all day, but it feels like I've strayed too far. I know nothing can cut me off, but why does he feel so far away?
Then there's Dula, who I could never lie to because he'd know if I tried. I don't know how he reads people, but it's comforting to know that he already knows everything I want to talk about, and he still hugs me anyway, which, he once told me, is the sign to tell his loved ones that he's cool with them. And his middle name is Hassan..."love"
How amazing is that?

I fall for a guy, and his middle name is love...

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Date:2004-04-05 15:30
Subject:three thoughts
Security:Public

It's nice to get all of my work over with early in the day...then the night is magnificent and open and quite unpredictible.


I've been talking to God a lot today, but he's not talking back and I'm more scared than ever

I wish all these people who are highly recommending me to receive full scholarships for next year knew that I might not be alive long enough to accept...

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Date:2004-04-04 23:45
Subject:Mistakes, Regrets, Hopes and Dreams
Security:Public
Mood: artistic

32 minutes left and I don’t know what to do, what to think about. So my thoughts turn to him. My phone vibrated in my back pocket a while ago, and of course, the first thing I thought of was DULA!! But it wasn’t him. It was a number I didn’t recognize. I was unable to answer it because I’m at work (31 minutes more) and anyways; I know it wasn’t him, so I didn’t need to answer it.

I’m trying to remember every inch of his face, but it’s not coming out right and even in the pictures, he’s lacking his spark. I love his dark eyes, but they’re a glossy red in one picture, and only slits of them are visible in the other one that made us all laugh. I’m trying to remember that wonderful, safe yet unsure feeling I had that night when we talked. I’m trying to remember how the wind sounded in the trees, how the stars sparkled for us, and how I told him about every mistake I’ve ever made and he just said that everything will be alright (rockabye…does anyone remember that Shawn Mullins song…it was so cliché, so overplayed, yet so comforting and still runs through my mind on sad days when I want to hear those words.) And now there’s 26 minutes and the night is nearly over, and another week has gone by and we haven’t talked.

Down to 25 minutes and I’m thinking about that night when he kissed my cheek. It was so odd. We were standing about 2 feet away from my (now ex) boyfriend after we had been out, and he hugged me like he always does (I used to look forward to getting that every day, and now they’re so few and far between) but this time he kissed my cheek. It was so quick that I didn’t realize he had done it until it was over, and he probably didn’t notice it at all, but it stands out because it was uncharacteristic. What would Joe have done if he saw that? Probably nothing because Dula is so respected.

He’s only given me two compliments in the whole time I’ve known him. That magnificent day when we sat in his car and talked and listened to my demo and shocked J.V. when he came out to tell Dula he was needed inside…First hint that maybe I wasn’t as unfeeling as they all thought. That day, Dula said, “Your music is relaxing…thank you for letting me listen, and you look real nice today too.” Then that night we talked in his yard for hours…he said, “you have a good head on your shoulders…don’t let anyone take that away” Ironically funny I think.

And now there’s 20 minutes, and I’m making up stories about what we could be (Joe said not to let him hold me back…it barely made sense…now maybe it does) and the beauty of the night is all that I can see, and could there possibly be something more beautiful than that? Could we possibly have a beautiful life together? I couldn’t even ask for the security and warmth of a life together. Only a minute more, only knowing the truth about us would be enough. If only I could know the truth that I am fifty percent of. I don’t know anything about anything anymore. That is a beautiful, magnificent sentence and I love it.

Now work is over and Jenn is arguing with her father about whether or not Ruth gave Boaz oral sex when the Bible says she ‘lay down at his feet’ and she’s getting loud and she’s driving me crazy and now it’s 20 more minutes until morning and I have theory homework and it feels like the night is still so young. I don’t care about the use of sexual favors in the bible…there was a lot of sex then, and there’s a lot of sex now, and I don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Mistakes, regrets, hopes, and dreams…
I want to scream at into the open sky and make everything disappear, but tonight, the clouds are closing the access to the sky and it is closed to me.

“And I remember keeping mad hours in the night
Beneath an honest sky
When the world’s shadows stood at shoulder side by side
And so did you and I
That’s a feeling that I can't afford.”

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Date:2004-04-01 23:53
Subject:no words
Security:Public
Mood: thoughtful

I wish I had the words to express how I feel about him
It's deep, intimidated, respectful, admiring, reverant, childishly faithful love.
Two weeks since our perfect night...it was only two hours, but so magnificent.
So many things were said, but too many things were left unsaid, undefined, I want to feel his arms around me again, his embrace, hear his voice, feel the warmth of his gaze which is never disapproving.
I wish it could happen again...
I'm not used to seeing him often anymore, and I know we can pick up where we left off, but I want that to happen right now.
I wish I could go back to last year...every night, 8 hours with Dula...I took it all for granted.

"I remember keeping mad hours in the night
Beneath an honest sky
The world's shadows stood at shoulder side-by-side
And so did you and I..."

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Date:2004-04-01 22:15
Subject:
Security:Public

And I want him so badly it hurts to see his picture on the wall.

He's there dark, warm, comforting
So far away

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Date:2004-04-01 22:14
Subject:
Security:Public

I'm so scared of everything right now...nothing is right anymore...never again

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Date:2004-03-30 23:46
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: anxious

Nothing's right anymore
I'm wishing on forever
Shooting stars go out
Maybe it's all over

Night wind kiss your face
I should have
Longed to
Didn't

Stars twinkling in their place
Cold and away from me
It's superstition but I keep on wishing
They're all on hold for me

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Date:2004-03-25 23:47
Subject:update
Security:Public
Mood:desperate

I haven't done anything on this in forever.
Whatever
What is there to write about really?
He controlled me for a while, made me do things I really didn't want to.
Got everything he could out of me, and when I started to shut down he got tired of it and ended things.
He went into where I work and told all my friends everything we ever did, bragging, adding so many things that I never even thought of doing or saying...
It made me realize I'm in love with Dula.
I've really known this for the past year
I went to his house and hung out in his yard a week ago.
1:30 am-3:45...magnificant times
I told him everything...my fears, how I knew what joe was doing to me, but didn't know how to get out...he felt like it was his fault.
He's single now...they had just ended it that night...I told him he could talk to me about it...he said he'd be ok as long as he had me...
I wanted to kiss him so bad under that beautiful night sky and the streetlights.
We talked about how beautiful everything was at night, peaceful, serene, magnificant, lovely
He said the wind was cold on his face, but that he loved it because it felt lovely as it his face, and he loved the sound it made as it blew through the trees.
I want so badly to be happy with him, I want to truly know what it is to care so deeply about someone, and he would be able to be with me without getting controlling or taking advantage of me.
We've been talking, and he hints around and I hint even more, and his brother told me he likes me, but nothing's clear yet.
I want so badly to be happy, but I'm paralyzed by fear right now. I long for the blood and it's not coming. If it doesn't and something has been planted inside of me and is growing, sucking my life so that the blood doesn't flow I will have to end things, and if the blood will not come on its own, i may have to spill it...
my life is probably over...
why? why? why?

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